Thursday, September 9, 2010

Things Change...

My CASA file sits on the dining room table and has for over a week. I can't make myself make the calls I need to in order to do the interviews for this case. I just can't.

A few things have changed in my life over the last month or so. Some so good, some so bad. Unfortunately, the couple of bad things right now are affecting me far more than the good. I want so desperately to be so excited about the property. It's something Elmer and I have dreamed about for many years. As we all have, I've been through some bad things and have always survived and in fact, have possibly grown stronger because of them. At least I'd like to think I have. But now I wonder, am I just good at pretending that all is well?

I've decided that right now, as much as I've wanted to volunteer for CASA, and as much and I thought this was a good time to do it, I just don't have it in me. About 3 weeks ago, I doubled up on my "happy pills" but even that had no effect on how I'm feeling.

I know that eventually, things will get better. But for now, I'm just not capable of helping the kids on my CASA case. I feel like the more I have in front of me, the less capable I am of getting even my life's daily chores accomplished. So, I'm going to call my volunteer coordinator and let him know.

I know that eventually things will get better. Maybe not better the way I want them to be, but better because I'll be able to move on - it's the only way we survive.

I keep thinking of the process from caterpillar to beautiful butterfly. Why, when we feel this way, can't we wrap ourselves into a cocoon, rest for just a month or so, and then emerge fresh and beautiful?

I just need some time. Time without extra pressures and worries. All will be well...


JACKI said...

you're right... all will be well. It seems like everything that life throws at us, we get through it some how more knowledgable, stronger, more confident etc. etc. I know you have a lot on your mind & plate right now but you WILL get through it just like any other tough times you've had in your life. LOVE YOU!!!!

Dee said...

Oh, Honey, I am so sorry that you have this hurt in your life when things should be good--at least in most of your life.
It will take time, more than we had hoped, but I feel confident that the hurt will be righted. You are a loving, caring daughter, wife, Mother , sister and friend. Know that you are loved by so many--even by someone who can't show it right now.
I am proud of you and --

Jodi said...

HEY, no being all nice you two. I just needed to vent on why I'm having to let go of CASA. I don't want to feel like I'm letting them down or being a quitter with something I felt so compelled to do - although I AM letting them down and being a quitter.

I know things will get better. Pam is back to her original treatment which helped shrink the tumors. It's such a helpless feeling not knowing how to help Ival through this. I put myself in his shoes and can't imagine what life would be like if it were my sister, brother, or mother. Pam is strong and I admire her and her family so very much.

As for the other, maybe someday things will be better. I'm at the point where I'm not so much worried about being "forgiven" but rather the hurt is so deep on my side I don't know if I can get past it.

Such is life. I never forget however, how important my family and friends are to me and I am grateful for you every single day.

kate said...

Oh sister. I'm sorry. I know the CASA thing was something you were really lookiing forward to. Perhaps down the road when you feel more rested and better on all levels, you will be able to get involved again.

Ival, despite being such a sensitive sweetheart, is a tough cookie. He's been through it before, you know. And he will get through this.

As for the other thing, time will heal the wounds. You all (both sides) just have to manage to keep from creating MORE wounds.

I love you sister.

lisa said...

"I'm at the point where I'm not so much worried about being "forgiven" but rather the hurt is so deep on my side I don't know if I can get past it."
That COMPLETELY makes sense.
Sometimes we just need to man up and accept our losses. I have alot of those situations where I have forgiven the other party AND myself, but I have NOT forgotten. You cant move past it if you dont forgive.

As for Pam- shit/life happens. Be strong and supportive.

As for CASA- shit/life happens! At least your letting them know somethings come up rather than looking at the file everyday while they're over there thinking your doing something with it. They'll understand and you can pick it back up later.

If you ever need a Koby hug, you know where to find us! (her hugs always make ME feel better)

......phew! that was the most i think anyones heard out of me in awhile.
aaaaand SCENE!

Jodi said...

You're a sweet girl Lisa. Family, whether they want you or not, are so important. We can drive eachother nuts sometimes but most of us understand that at the same time, we have unconditional love for every weird one of us!

And yes, Koby hugs are awesome. You can't be around that precious little girl without feeling like life is certainly wonderful.

JACKI said...

mom... I have a feeling that Art in The Park and a funnel cake with some powdered sugar this weekend might make you feel a little bit better... even just a liiiittle bit. ;o}

Dee said...

Art in the Park ! yeaaaaaaaaaa

jaci said...