My CASA file sits on the dining room table and has for over a week. I can't make myself make the calls I need to in order to do the interviews for this case. I just can't.
A few things have changed in my life over the last month or so. Some so good, some so bad. Unfortunately, the couple of bad things right now are affecting me far more than the good. I want so desperately to be so excited about the property. It's something Elmer and I have dreamed about for many years. As we all have, I've been through some bad things and have always survived and in fact, have possibly grown stronger because of them. At least I'd like to think I have. But now I wonder, am I just good at pretending that all is well?
I've decided that right now, as much as I've wanted to volunteer for CASA, and as much and I thought this was a good time to do it, I just don't have it in me. About 3 weeks ago, I doubled up on my "happy pills" but even that had no effect on how I'm feeling.
I know that eventually, things will get better. But for now, I'm just not capable of helping the kids on my CASA case. I feel like the more I have in front of me, the less capable I am of getting even my life's daily chores accomplished. So, I'm going to call my volunteer coordinator and let him know.
I know that eventually things will get better. Maybe not better the way I want them to be, but better because I'll be able to move on - it's the only way we survive.
I keep thinking of the process from caterpillar to beautiful butterfly. Why, when we feel this way, can't we wrap ourselves into a cocoon, rest for just a month or so, and then emerge fresh and beautiful?
I just need some time. Time without extra pressures and worries. All will be well...