Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Coon Huntin'...

I woke up suddenly to the sound of "somthin' gettin' a chicken". I layed there listening, hoping I wouldn't hear it again and could go back to sleep. "BAAAAWWWWK"! Nope, there's deffinately something out there killing one of the chickens. Aw crap.

I run to the closet to grab a flashlight. The first 3 I tried didn't have batteries, the next two had batteries but they were evidently dead, finally I find one that works. We have a lot of flashlights - that don't work. I look at the clock and it's 1:47.

I grabbed a flashlight, turned on the light on the back porch and went running outside. Just as quickly, I turned around and ran back inside when I realized I didn't have my pants on and was out in the backyard for all to see (ok, any moron that might be awake) in my t-shirt and underwear. I throw my pants on and sneak outside. I say sneak, because as I'm heading out, I remember that the last time something was in killing chickens it was a skunk.

So, I sneak outside, carefully, with the kids nurseyrhme "Skunk in the henhouse, Pee Yew. Who's gonna catch him, not you!" running through my mind. I sneak carefully up to the chicken pen and shine my flashlight all around hoping to hell I'm not going to see a skunk. My flashlight finally settles on a pair of beady eyes - raccoon!



I throw a couple of rocks. He doesn't move, just stares at me. I try several voice variations of "GIT!" but he doesn't move. Well crap, nothing good is going to come of this. So, I tried reasoning with him. "Look buddy, just haul your bee-hind out of here and things will be fine. PLEASE don't make me go get Elmer." He just stares back at me. Fine, I have no choice.

Suddenly Elmer Jr. opens the window. "What's going on?"

"Go get dad, there's a raccoon in with the chickens and I can't get him out." Stupid raccoon, you've got one more chance to run like the wind before Elmer gets down here...

Elmer comes out the back door and I explain the situation, hand him the flashlight and head back into the house. Elmer and Jr. can take it from here.

After about 5 minutes of trying to get the coon out of the chicken coop, Elmer comes in looking for his keys so he can get his pistol out of the truck (yes, he has a concealed weapon permit). He finally finds the keys, loads the gun and as he's walking out the door. I mention he might try a little longer to get it out alive and he replies "I've had it, he killed our best layer so I'm gonna shoot the bastard". It's now after 2 am so I tell him to only shoot twice or we'll have the neighbors calling the police. After about 5 minutes I finally hear a loud pop. Shit I hope it didn't wake up the neighbors! Elmer Jr. comes running into the house and proclaims that the first shot didn't do it and wants to know how loud the first shot sounded. Crap. A minute later I hear a second shot. Elmer walks into the house and I asked if that did it. Nope. He walks into the garage and through the house carrying a big hammer. A minute later it's over.

I think the other chickens are suffering from PTSD and the henhouse has the smell of death. I doubt we'll be getting any eggs for a while. Damn it, I tried to save your life little buddy...

8 comments:

jaci said...

Aw, I'm sorry. You dun yore best to save his hen-killin' liddle hide. At least Elmer was home to do the deed. If it was my luck, I'd be the only one home. And I'd've locked myself out of the house the first time thru the door... sans pants.

Lovin' yer life in the country...

kate said...

Did it ever occur to you idjits that that was probably one of the very raccoons you rescued and nursed back to health??

I am literally crying with laughter. Gunshots in Hidden Springs?? And then a HAMMER?! Dear god, if you guys aren't true hillbillies, I don't know who is.

I love you crazy rednecks.

kate said...

I just told Anna that story (minus the hammer) and she said "So now next time we go visit, they're going to have a raccoon head on their wall?"

Ha!!

Jodi said...

Seems when we have chickens, we have robbers. It wasn't one of the critters we rescued. They were all released elsewhere.

We have a live trap set out by the coop now so the next one won't have to die.

You can tell Anna that the coon went into a grabage bag and didn't make it into the house - unless of course I find Elmer or Jr out there skinning it in the next few days...

JACKI said...

pretty sure I just puked a little in my mouth (ok... maybe a lot!). And I'm so glad that Ival made this a topic of conversation at my 3yr old's bday party last night.
:o}

Casey said...

LMAO! I can totally visualize the whole, "Better go get the hammer, son," conversation.

I know there's like a billion people who would find this story offensive, and then there's the handful of us who are sitting here giggling over it. Not because we love that a raccoon had to die, but just because that's life sometimes.

Jodi said...

And I was sooooooo wrong about the chickens having
PTSD. Dumb asses were in there laying right on top of the eggs the raccoon had burgled - and stepping on the body of their comrad in order to get into the henhouse!

Woohoo! More eggs!

Dee said...

In case you hadn't noticed------chickens are really REALLY stupid. I'm surprised they didn't line up for the raccoon.