Over the last several weeks I've been taking serious stock of my life and have decided that I desperately need to make some changes. I've been holding so much anger and hostility inside about several issues and I've decided I need to either let them go or fix them quickly so that I can become the person I used to be.
I've looked back at my older blog posts. I loved those days and I hate who I have become. I know that even my own family doesn't want to be around me.
I'm extremely frustrated about Jake and the situation he and his family is in. I have to realize that it will be over in October. I will now look forward to that month and continue to send packages hoping that in some small way they will make a difference and make the time pass easier for him.
I am so extremely pissed about the Peace Officers' Memorial. I resigned from the Board last spring because Idaho State Police has decided that since we couldn't find the original paperwork giving the site to us, that it will never belong to us and that if they ever decide that they need that property "the Memorial will be moved at the expense of the Idaho Peace Officers' Memorial Fund." I have to decide if I want to go to the Governor and the media with this information and see if I can get this changed or if I want to let it go and hope that when I'm gone, someone else will lay in front of the crane so that the Memorial stays where it was built. I'm beginning to think the latter will be more healthy for me.
I have absolutely got to get back to doing things I have always loved. I live in my dream home, married to a man that thankfully gets me - and is willing to put up with the person I have become over the last year. I have to change that because he deserves better.
So, I'm thinking that Linda and I need to start hitting a few auctions, yard sales and estate sales. I want to start buying and selling again. I have the perfect place to have a couple of yearly farm sales and I really want to do that. I'm going to dig out my cross stitch and finish that pin-up cowgirl I started.
I want to focus on the good because I have so much of it in my life. I have a mother that I adore, sisters that crack me up and make me laugh, a brother that means the world to me, in-law kids that are wonderful to my kids who I absolutely love with all my heart.
I'm going to really look forward to my trip to Nevada with mom in March (woo hoo!), having Kevin and Meghan and their kids come out from Missouri in July, and just loving my life.
Bear with me because believe me, I don't like this person any more than you do. I believe I'm on my way though because as Dr. Phil says, "you can't change what you don't acknowledge" and "So how's that workin' for ya?"
9 comments:
I think you're on the right track! You gotta remember, it's not fair to bear the weight of the world on one's shoulders. This world is waaay to big to fix alone. At the end, you want to be able to say that you lived a good life. You gotta let the 'silly/petty/out of your control' stuff go in order to live the good life. I'm glad you're choosing to take this path because I miss the 'happy to the core' mom that you used to be! I love you like crazy!!! :o)
I LOVE YOU,
I'M HERE FOR YOU
ELMER
Oh sister, good for you!!! It's SO toxic to hang on to anger and resentment; the only effect it has on anything is to make you miserable. How's that prayer go? Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
You cannot change Jake's situation. He is doing what he has to do. He is making great money, and will be home before you know it. And then he'll be able to get on with his life, beside his family.
You can't change the memorial situation. And besides, they're not saying they're GOING to move it, just that they could. LET. IT. GO. You worked your butt off to get that memorial put up and it's been there, giving people peace for years. But the truth is, it's just a marble wall. It's not their bodies, not their spirits. NO ONE will forget those fallen officers if that wall one day is gone.
Life can be so hard, and unfair. But if you focus on only that, it WILL eat you alive. And change nothing. So yes, get back to focusing on the things that are LIFE AFFIRMING, not life diminishing. For you, and for the people who love you.
Like me. I love you sister. xoxoxoxoxo
PS. Elmer is the BEST. We love you Ival!!!
Yes, Elmer does "get you" and , Elmer, you are such a dear and we all love you so much !
It is so easy to say "don't worry", but damn its hard not to. So, as you say, focus on the good, the love, your blessings and let go of the bad. Those can turn your hope around. Hope, planning for good and the excitement of future happenings will keep you going in the right direction. UP.
I love you, Jodi.
Oh Jodi, We all have times of dispare, discouragement and anger (I'm sorry you're feeling some of it right now)...But, no matter how you are feeling, please know we ALL love you no matter what and think you are an amazing person and have done some amazing things, and still have plenty left in you! Gotta love that Elmer guy too!! Heck, ya always make me laugh and feel better about things! Love ya!
I know a bit how it feels holding onto things longer than you should and it does eat away at you. In my case, it ate away at my flesh by covering my body in painful, itchy rashes. Here we both were, unemployed, raising children, and getting knocked up at THE worst possible time. I waited so long to announce the pregnancy because I honestly wished it would end. I thought very seriously about it but was too ashamed to even do a google search about how I felt and whether other established families had been there and made the choice I am ashamed to say I entertained. I had to figure out how to let it go and just embrace our situation for what it was and make the most of it. I cannot imagine our family without my precious little man in it and I'm so glad those days are behind me. I have to remind myself that as long as we have each other, nothing else matters. We will figure things out when Jake comes home, and if things get rough, at least the economy has turned around enough that we are not upside down in our home. So take back your joy, let these worries go, accept that you cannot change these things and that we are all here for one another. It's gonna be okay.
Consider too that it's coming to the end of a long, gray winter. I think we're all feeling the effects of that, and heaven knows it could be a factor in what you've been feeling. I do like Kate's point about the memorial being a symbol of those officers, but that no one will forget them if the wall is moved. I do think ISP is being thoroughly shitty about it, though. There's an awful lot of real estate surrounding the Memorial, and I don't think it would kill them to set aside that quarter-acre spot the Memorial is on.
Love you, Jodi!
Good for you for realizing that your ready to be done with a season and move onto a new better one. It's never easy to self realize.
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