An Old Favorite from 2009...

Sunday, January 25, 2009

The Lecture...

Ok, after all of you told me how I'd brought my domestic problems with Elmer Fudd and Jr. on myself, I decided you were right and that it was time for a Family Meeting. First, I carefully crafted a list so that I wouldn't forget ANYTHING they do that pisses me off. Then, under the influence of drugs (I have a very bad head cold) I decided to sit them down for a talk.

I called the meeting to order and started out...

"Now that I'm working again, I've decided that I don't have the time for, or the interest in, being a maid any longer. It's time we stop living like pigs so here's what we're going to do."

Jr. is snickering...

"From now on, if you use the last of the toilet paper, I want you to put a new roll on. That doesn't mean set a roll on the old roll. That means, take off the old roll and put the new one on with the paper coming over the top."

Jr. - NO WAY! That means I'd have to touch the paper! (if you missed it, you must read Life's Oddities to understand why this is a problem).

"I'm sorry son, you see, I'm not giving you a choice. If I find an empty toilet paper roll still on the holder, all of the toilet paper will be removed from the house. Now I just really don't think you're going to like that. Next, when you take your socks off, please make sure they're not in a ball so that they can be washed properly. Otherwise, you'll receive them the same way and they won't be dry."

Jr. is snickering again... Elmer finally chimes in "You better quit laughing, your mother is serious"

I ignore him and go on "I'm going to buy another laundry hamper. Anything I find on the bedroom or bathroom floor will go into a garbage bag and will be donated once a week to a worthy cause."

Jr. - "NO WAY! We pay good money for our stuff. You can't just give it away!"

"Like hell I can't. I don't care if it's clothes, your IPOD, or your best friend. If it's on the floor for more than 24 hours, it's going away."

Elmer hasn't said anything other than the few words he said to Jr.

"And, from now on, since dad cooks dinner, I'll continue to put the dinner dishes in the dishwasher. But if you go get a drink, or fix something to eat, or dirty a fork, put your own dishes in the dishwasher."

Jr. - "Well what if we forget?"

"If you forget, the dirty item will go into the bag to be donated and pretty soon, we won't have any dishes or silverware left."

Jr. - "Mom, what's going on with you? Home come you're acting like this?"

"Because son, it's time you learned that your mother is not your maid and you need to become a productive member of this family." (that was a good thing to say wasn't it!)

"So, that's it. See those clothes on the fireplace hearth? You have until 12:14 tomorrow to remove them and put them away - where they belong."

Jr. - "What if I forget?"

"Well, I suppose by the time you're down to one shirt, a pair of socks and pants, and if you're lucky, a pair of underwear, then you'll probably remember."

So, we all went our separate ways. Later in the afternoon, I walked into the garage and Elmer was standing there.

"I feel so crappy, I just realized I haven't even combed my hair today."

Elmer - "It's okay, it was very effective for the lecture..."