It's Time For Some Changes...

Over the last several weeks I've been taking serious stock of my life and have decided that I desperately need to make some changes.  I've been holding so much anger and hostility inside about several issues and I've decided I need to either let them go or fix them quickly so that I can become the person I used to be.

I've looked back at my older blog posts.  I loved those days and I hate who I have become.  I know that even my own family doesn't want to be around me.

I'm extremely frustrated about Jake and the situation he and his family is in.  I have to realize that it will be over in October.  I will now look forward to that month and continue to send packages hoping that in some small way they will make a difference and make the time pass easier for him.

I am so extremely pissed about the Peace Officers' Memorial.  I resigned from the Board last spring because Idaho State Police has decided that since we couldn't find the original paperwork giving the site to us, that it will never belong to us and that if they ever decide that they need that property "the Memorial will be moved at the expense of the Idaho Peace Officers' Memorial Fund."  I have to decide if I want to go to the Governor and the media with this information and see if I can get this changed or if I want to let it go and hope that when I'm gone, someone else will lay in front of the crane so that the Memorial stays where it was built.  I'm beginning to think the latter will be more healthy for me.

I have absolutely got to get back to doing things I have always loved.  I live in my dream home, married to a man that thankfully gets me - and is willing to put up with the person I have become over the last year.  I have to change that because he deserves better.

So, I'm thinking that Linda and I need to start hitting a few auctions, yard sales and estate sales.  I want to start buying and selling again.  I have the perfect place to have a couple of yearly farm sales and I really want to do that.  I'm going to dig out my cross stitch and finish that pin-up cowgirl I started.

I want to focus on the good because I have so much of it in my life.  I have a mother that I adore, sisters that crack me up and make me laugh, a brother that means the world to me, in-law kids that are wonderful to my kids who I absolutely love with all my heart.

I'm going to really look forward to my trip to Nevada with mom in March (woo hoo!), having Kevin and Meghan and their kids come out from Missouri in July, and just loving my life.

Bear with me because believe me, I don't like this person any more than you do.  I believe I'm on my way though because as Dr. Phil says, "you can't change what you don't acknowledge" and "So how's that workin' for ya?"

I Can Feel It...

and I don't like it.  The feeling of being on the verge of tears at any moment.  You know how I don't cry so it's a terrible feeling.

I'll have half the amount of laundry to do and half the house cleaning to do.  That seems little comfort.

I know I'll be ok because I've been through this before.  It is survivable, but that doesn't seem to make it any easier.

I'm going to miss hearing Adam ask me to make his coffee because "it doesn't taste as good when I make it."     I'm going to miss his jokes, his teasing, his freaking awesome sense of humor.  I hate thinking about someone else yelling at my son for 12 weeks.  I hate that the most.  I hate that he won't call every day or be able to email.  I hate that my son has grown up.

Yet - I love that my son has grown up.  He's such a wonderful young man filled with hope and dreams that I didn't know if he would have when he was going through high school.  He never felt like he was "smart" enough to do anything with his life.  I take the blame for that.  I didn't realize it at the time, but when I was partying with cancer when he was 8 and 9, he was falling behind in math.  He was never able to catch up.  But, he now feels like he can not only get through boot camp, but also start college when he gets home.  He's a good boy and I know he's going to be an awesome man.

I also feel bad that Jake is gone and that worries me too.  Not a day comes and goes without thinking about it.  Hating it.  Yet I remind myself that things could be worse.  I know they could.

So, I try to think of spring and nicer weather.  Try to think of things I can do for the next 4 months that Adam is gone, and the next 8 months that Jake is gone.  Things to fill my time.  Maybe I'll take a road trip in the spring.  I'll be ok, I know I will - but I did take the last week of this month off to spend time with Adam before he leaves on March 4th - and to cry if I need to, and if I can.